It is currently the end of the year 2022. A year full of adventure. A leap into the depths of the unknown. And currently I am looking back on it. Where did my journey go, what did I experience and what am I wiser now? A big piece I already dealt with in the earlier blog "I quit my job!". Here I share my journey and my reflections in the period from late 2021 to mid-2022. Now in several blog posts I look back on the months that followed. Dark months with a golden core. Promised.
So is this the infamous dark night of my soul?
I had to take a step back. I launched my website in September and completely collapsed. "This cannot be happening, can it?" Full of passion and enthusiasm, I worked on my personal brand in collaboration with others. I built a beautiful offering featuring things I can do and (almost) have a degree for. It looked beautiful. I had fun setting it up, designing it, figuring out the details. And then still I collapsed. Like I couldn't do it. There's so much junk in my system. "I'm not worth it. Who do I think I am. You're not doing it right. What is everyone going to think of you. Oh that judgment! What is the other person going to think of me? I label myself for now: I am rejected! Cast out. People are disgusted by me. Look at that one walking over there. Thinking she knows it all and she can make it. Do you really think she's getting money from us? For what? Look at her. With her untidy hair. The dress she's worn so many times. Do you take that seriously? No right? Yes, it all looks nice, but what does she really offer? Waste of your effort, time, energy and money, you know! Don't do it. Don't fall for it!"
Being visible caused some panic attacks
Well, it goes on for a while. Something snapped in me and I felt it happen immediately - as if struck by magic. Looking back on it now, it is quite extraordinary how clearly this was felt. Again: MAGIC. I thought I would ignore it and just move on, but that turned into days of panic attacks. So I had to listen to what that self-saboteur, that voice in my head was telling me. After all, I was disgusted with myself. I decided to listen and write along immediately. With my intuitive skills, I could see it clearly in a picture before me. Going into depth exacerbated the panic. So, I wasn't deep enough yet; I needed to sink deeper. Once I really dared to sink in, I saw an "Angry Bird" in a cage frantically flying forward. He was flying straight through the air and straight toward his goal. The sky is empty and the target is very far away. The cage does not keep him from moving forward, but this makes the act of flying somewhat limited in freedom and that offers frustration. With a lot of strength and perseverance, he does manage to fly to his goal. The bird cannot go down, not up and certainly not back. When I ask about the meaning of the cage, the bars represent beliefs and self-imposed limitations. Those limitations, of course, were already long and widely recited by that saboteur in my head. Writing them all down made the panic less and less until it was gone. "'Pfoo. that was it then."
Lack of self-esteem and self-love
The message herein was a lack of self-esteem combined with a painfully prevalent belief that at the deepest core of my being resides a very bad person who has the very worst interests at heart against humanity. My inner-hitler, the leader who is driving us all toward death, an inner monster. This scary thought was fearfully pushed away by me as soon as it reached the surface, making it more intense and worse with each trigger. This is the reason I don't trust myself and secretly don't want the other person to trust me. Because of this, I have to control myself. Because, imagine if this monster is given free rein. There is fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough and that I am alone. That no matter what, I must go on and perform. Keeping up appearances with an edge that I have painstakingly built around it and want to maintain. Well, go cheerfully work on your own business with that. Each of these themes claimed their attention in the days, weeks and months that followed. And so I got to work on self-love and made a wonderful meditation for it that I will make available soon. It's more like a mantra you can use to use self-love in everything you do every day. It has helped me tremendously! I hope it will help you too!
It's exciting to step into your own power
I experienced during this period how incredibly scary and exciting it is to step into my own power. That inner monster is in fact my deepest inner potential and my power. It is my inner light being who possesses talents and gifts that I may express, with which I may serve people and the world, nature. "What power?" My hair is even falling out due to it. Like when I was experiencing burnout. As if I am doing something that is out of my league. Like I'm doing something that's not allowed. I learned to recognize that I can wait and start receiving instead of playing the Angry Bird who frantically thrives on perseverance. As I learned this, it turned into hiding, sheltering, keeping quiet, keeping myself small. I interpreted it as a way to flee for a while from what I was manifesting. I don't want to anymore, I can't, I would like to make myself small again, keep myself small, I want to see confirmation that other people also see me as small, not important. I want to be again the girl who needs mommy. I want my parents to come and take care of me and really be the little one again for a while. That others will take care of it all and that I can stay here in my little bubble. I look around in amazement at all the wonderful people who do persevere and get things done. I feel how I want to support them. A longing that reminds me that I probably yearn for that support myself.
Love for the darkness in myself
The darkness has a good grip on me at the moment, as you can read. And I like it. Delightfully. I enjoy it. I love it. There is genuine love in it as I type this. Love for that darkness, the emptiness, being small, being a child, that others are solving it for me, that I am helplessly watching the stillness. For that is what is actually happening here. Stillness. In my progress, my life, my wants, my desires, my dreams. I no longer feel them for a moment. And there is nothing wrong with stillness. What is wrong is the judgment I have about it. Because see, I am silent for the outside world, but my head does not want to surrender. I am not allowed to be still. Just imagine that I am not making progress. It is not aaccepted Suppose all my dreams and wishes are gone. All this hard work of last year, everything I have given up and constructed for nothing. In fact, I don't trust this flow. While my journey began exactly one year ago with tremendous hope, trust, courage, passion, faith, mission and enthusiasm. Now the wheel is coming around and so I end up with very deep lessons to learn. Trust in myself, the course for my mission, trust that everything will unfold at the right time in the right way, trust in the flow of my life, trust in my perseverance and focus, trust that my body will give signals, as will my intuition and my head. Taking my steps out of effortlessness with the knowledge and confidence that I will achieve the same or even less out of "doing my best" and hard work. Surrendering to my own wisdom and stubbornness, my intuition, my feelings, my emotions, my body and my desires, to that which presents itself in the moment and trusting that I may take immediate steps in this with inspired action.
Don't give up, hang in there! The keeper wins
A saying of my mother that I cherish. Indeed, this is one of those wonderful moments when anyone would want to give up. The little voices in my head have won for now. "After all, I really can't do it. I don't want to. I'm too small." I only use the word "I." My ego consciousness doesn't want to say goodbye to its commanding role and sit in the passenger seat. And for a moment, he wins. For a while, I also find it unpleasant if he sits in the passenger seat.
After all, I don't know what life is like when the roles change. And I find it hard that I don't know. This is familiar. So this is what I choose. No matter how hard and difficult it all goes.
"Oh how incredibly frustrating for you! Well I hope you get better soon. It sounds like you are extremely in your head." All intended very sweetly. But can it be heavy too? Is it allowed to be dark? Wishing the darkness away only lures it in more. We may embrace being dark as well as light. With all my bright intentions, I don't want the dark. But deep inside, I enjoy it. In my essence there is already a beautiful accepting power. I may start to express it. I am as much dark as I am light. And at the same time, I am neither.
To be moving with nature
As humans, we also move through seasons. I now reside in a dark season. Now it is also the period of midwinter, so it is no wonder that my state shows itself in a similar way. A light season is coming again. Life moves in waves. When you reach your low point, you slowly move toward the light again. Of your own accord. Just as nature does. We are almost there. The winter solstice is almost through its darkest phase. Then the sun may start climbing again and so may my state of mind. I have tremendous faith in nature. And I sincerely enjoy every season. It is so beautiful, so wondrous and each season is unique. I accept and appreciate it. And so I may also accept and appreciate this part of my nature. It is unique, wondrous, beautiful. It is a dance with life. And light and dark both participate. So in this period I start the year course "“Leven met de kracht van de natuur”" of Wildekruidenvrouw.nl, to be able to sink even more into the faith and surrender of nature. To be able to sink more into that deep natural wisdom and then be able to communicate it.
In my next blog post, read about the golden lessons I've been privileged to receive mainly at the end of this year.