From the head to the heart
The time has come
I did it. I dived into the deep, not knowing what to expect. As of January this year, I quit my paid job. No plan, some savings, my fiancé who was still quite burned out at the time and a very strong feeling that this was the only right step. It has now been a year since I decided to listen to my gut feeling. An uneasy feeling that no longer whispered, but reverberated quite clearly in my head: “It's time. There is something waiting for you there. This is your time. This is what you've been waiting for. Stop what you are doing.”
At work, these signals were only amplified and visible. I had worked for more than 3 years as a "newcomer" in IT consultancy, where I had enjoyed working for some time as a scrum master and DevOps engineer in a very nice and fun autonomous men's team (men, I still miss you). While we were in good shape in the team, I oiled the engine like I always do, my responsibilities were minimized without consultation. My performance did not fit into the boxes determined by management. As a result, the package of tasks could no longer satisfy me, I became dissatisfied and felt undervalued and unwanted. The inner NO began to scream.
It took a while to leave because I waited. I experienced that my team could also do quite well without me and so I could slowly let go. With my dear friend Kim as my coach, I dared to take the plunge: I resigned. I closed the door firmly behind me and full of enthusiasm and fresh courage I stepped into that wide world, which -according to the guiding voice in my soul- was waiting for me. Without a clear plan, but a clear vision, a broad toolkit and a slow learning process on the way to faith.
A extensive process preceded
Of course I didn't just quit my job. This was preceded by a process of several years. I learned to feel my own limits and trust my inner voice that says YES or NO. I built a daily yoga routine. I immersed myself in consciousness and stepped away from the facts and went over to experience: the yoga teachings and yoga philosophy, and experiencing and trusting the magic of the energetic body. I did a vocational training, in which I trained my intuition and gained so much confidence in a beautiful, better world of deep connections, collaborative leadership, beautiful real nature, abundance and fun. I opened myself to my emotional world, a very complex world, from which I learn that my strong curiosity and enthusiasm often win over the inner NO and thus push me into the rational world, away from my intuition. My consciousness also grew and I gained insight into my rejection patterns that are intertwined with the fear of rejection and an intense desire for connection and (self)acceptance.
My inner NO started to play tricks on me. When someone asked me if I liked my job or if we talked about the future, during the entire time I was in this job, tears welled up in my eyes. You will not get a clearer NO. Still, I enjoyed my knowledge and enthusiasm of the new knowledge and skills I gained and the people I got to know. I found this confusing. That information usually lasts about a year: the total package never completely satisfies me, after that I am master of what I wanted and my intuition starts to thwart.
Slowly living my purpose in life
The inner NO pointed to my life purpose, my mission in life. This clearly wasn't it. The life mission that I had felt until then, but never had a clear vision of, always felt as if the time was not yet right to get started. Slowly but surely it started to gain clarity and take up space in my system. While learning, I applied some things as a scrum master of a self-managing team, in which everyone is considered equal and seen as an expert. I looked for ways to show everyone's personal strength and to empower them. At home, my life mission also began to take shape. I dream of regenerating nature and connecting areas, that people work together to create a beautiful world with meaningful connection. Me and my boyfriend started living more and more sustainably, looking for more sustainable solutions in and around the house on a daily basis. Our garden also became a nice experiment to make an outdoor space beautiful, practical and yet natural, in which we try to apply permaculture in a learning way. Overall, my awareness of this is still increasing daily.
Life could not and will not be otherwise, the chapter had to be closed. That's how it happened. No plan, only a new chapter.
No job, now what?
There it finally was: January 2022. After two months of vacation to completely disconnect from my work, the restlessness started to increase. All emotions passed. No confidence, fully trusting, worries about money and income, enthusiasm for what was to come, hope for a better world, many ideas, heaviness, old fears and pains, sadness and an active mourning process for the job I just left.
Ideas raced through my head – a connected home library, plant cuttings exchange, organizing yoga retreats, becoming a yoga teacher, owning a tea garden, permaculture, a food forest and nature reserve with a retreat center, nature regeneration projects. Also, the idea of looking for a new job gave me the unpleasant feeling of a tight throat.
I decided to register with the Chamber of Commerce. Entrepreneuring it is! After all, I have been following a course for almost 2 years in giving readings, working with intuition and personal development aimed at returning to your own essence. And in addition, a healing training, where I will have to do them to practice anyway. I would start offering healings and readings. So off to the Chamber of Commerce. Afraid that the employee "would realize" that I had no plan, I was outside after fifteen minutes with a piece of paper: Introspecterend by Rosanna Denis. “Well luckily one of us believes in this plan” I thought. Introspecterend Leven (living introspectively) was thus introduced to the world. Now there is no turning back, because I know: if I take on something, I will finish it. I celebrated with Peter Jan and some delicious cocktails in the center of Utrecht. He is going to face a lot of uncertainty with me and I realize that all too well.
At that time I had no sense or confidence in offering readings or healings already. "Who will want my help?!" said that mean little voice in my head. “Can I actually do that?” I wanted to follow my life mission, not express a part of myself, so that I can hide the rest of myself again. Was I going to do something that kills my mood after 4 years? Am I putting myself in boxes again?
How vague do you want it to be?
Time started ticking and I decided that this life mission could be a little more concrete. I clearly felt that call. But how was that supposed to happen? My head wanted answers. “What am I to become? What will my offer be? Who am I going to help?” I didn't get very far with that, so my soul answered: “I want to BE. All doors are open. You are good as you are. You have everything you need in you. Live your mission. Things are not black and white. Feel the necessity. I am a woman. I feel. I take life as it comes. I am a shaman, a witch, a wise woman, a lightworker. I am a movement.” In visualizations I saw nature, a deep connection between people, with nature and a magical world for which I have not yet found the words. These don't seem to answer my questions at all. Yet I receive them daily from my deep inner knowing. And the feeling that comes with it is more certain than ever.
HOW!? How do I build a business from this in which others see value and through which I can support myself? Frustrating this!
Between the soul and the head
I didn't get much further than "I do something with nature" and "something with personal development and energy work". As if they are two separate boxes.
Blind to answers, I continued to search from my head. I ended up with a valuable short program from The New Business Women called “The Love Warrior”. The course helps you deal with the mean voice in your head, deal with and process your emotions, and the way back to (self) love. I then followed their “Academy”, and I was convinced that after that my life's purpose would be as clear as ever. Unfortunately…
What it did bring me was a warm environment of like-minded women to articulate what's going on inside me, a supportive and loving safety net, connection at a deeper layer, frustration, hard times and... again the same insights I had already gained. They led to nature and connection, charged with a lot of gratitude. The answer lies in trusting and having faith, and let that be difficult if your purpose in life is not what they teach you in school about “when you grow up”.
Back to the start - Why did I actually quit my job?
I want to live my ideal life.
I want to be able to be myself completely.
I want to show how things can be done differently compared to the systems that don't work for me.
I want to show the world how beautiful she is in her essence.
I want to integrate nature into my daily life and thereby inspire people.
I want real nature around me without travelling or moving far away.
I only want to do what feels right and right from my true center.
Following the inner-YES
My development continued, so did my quest. “Something with nature, personal development and connection” I found in places with nature, recreational accommodation and a program in the field of energy work and personal development. Beautiful concepts with a lot of potential. I also found LEAP (Life force Energy Awakening Process), I connected with Sumowala, I felt the love and warmth of the Intuïtieve Opleidingen institute, I felt passion in facilitating healings myself, I loved determining my own daily schedule and was empowered by the loving, persistent and unconditional support of my boyfriend. I felt intensely happy and grateful that I was allowed to live my life in this way. This is what I do it for. To live. Doing things I really care about.
During my second visit at High Vibes, I had the wonderful opportunity to offer readings. By this time I also gave some healings and I worked on my personal brand with a sweet buddy from my Master Mind group at the TNBW Academy. Slowly but surely the ball is rolling and something emerges from the YES-feeling that I followed to quit my job. It is a road that knows peaks in between the struggles with my beliefs, patterns, behaviors and insecurities. The fun challenge is finding pleasure in learning about myself and the world. I think there is no better and tougher path for personal development than building your own company from your pure essence.
I love that you let me take you on this adventure. If you also feel like taking this step, or if you just need someone to share your thoughts with, reach out. I'd love to connect.