I close up, you come closer, I close up. I do not feel. I do not experience. I am not there. Ideally, I want to step back. But even that, I don't feel. My sadness. I don't feel it. What I feel is you. My fear, I don't feel it. My knowing, I don't know. My light. That is out.
What is happening here? Has someone crossed my boundary? I think so for sure. Does that person know, was it visible? I don't think so. As soon as my coach Kim takes a step back, and another, and another, and another, I begin to feel. A ring around my belly, my breathing is shallow. Life comes back into me. I feel myself standing convulsively. I feel I would rather turn away. We agree that I do. Slowly I feel my sadness taking up space in my body again, on the side that is turned away from her. On the side that can be seen, it is not present. I keep it away. Away from being seen. I am a strong, independent woman. I will resolve my sorrows later. When I am alone again. Then it can have a place. Not now. What will she think? She might start worrying about me. I don't want that. No one has to take care of me. I can do it on my own.
I take even more steps back, until I feel free. Goodness, what a space. Here I can stand how I want. Here I feel free. I can move around, even do a little dance. Joy, sadness, goofiness. Everything I feel flows. What a space. I realize that this is not a practical space if you want to have a conversation. But this space is mine. Always. Everywhere. Wherever and whenever. No matter what the environment.
She comes walking toward me, very close. I stiffen again. "What do you feel? What do you think?" I hear myself say, "What do you expect from me?"
What is the underlying pattern?
In fact, I am engaging in " pleasing behavior" here. I am fulfilling the expectation of the person opposite me. I can never know for sure, without asking. So I make assumptions and the expectations in those assumptions I will fulfill regardless. With every interaction, I open up my space with a warm welcome. Does someone pass me by? The door goes wide open. And I push myself away. All space and room for the other person, should they need it.
I naturally hold space for another to be as he or she is. A natural "space holder." A very beautiful trait. A strength. Although, it depends on the situation whether it is a strength or a weakness. Is it a friend who needs support. Of course, I make space. I do what I do best. Is it a strange passerby, a difficult family member or someone who wants to make space for me, so that I may feel my sadness? Then I would like to do things differently. I fill in for myself that it is the other person's expectation that I should and will make and keep that space. I assume that I must obey that. In that case that warm welcome is immediately also a rejection of myself, of everything I am and feel. Everything and everyone may be here, in my space, even if I myself do not experience it as pleasant. Then I close myself off from myself. I leave my body, as it were, until the coast is safe again. Unpleasant. Uncomfortable.
Beyond the pattern lies a belief based on desire disguised as fear
At the root of this behavior is the belief that the other person is above me, that the other person is entitled to my space and if I did not allow it, I would be rejected. The fear that lies underneath is the fear of being judged and rejected. A fear of the judgment of the other person.
Below anxiety is always a desire. I long for connection and a sense of togetherness. And in this case, I long for approval, appreciation, acceptance, being seen and heard, for unconditional love. In fact, these are all things that I can give myself. And that you can give yourself too.
If you also have such a story, then you can choose not to reject yourself, to look at yourself in the mirror and really see who and what it says, to accept and appreciate yourself for all that you are, to listen to your own feelings and your own knowing and all that regardless of what the outside world thinks or says. First establish a connection and togetherness with yourself. If that succeeds, then so can your outside world.
If we are always preoccupied with the expectations of the other, we will not feel our own desires nor be able to act upon them. By knowing what is going on beneath the surface, we suddenly regain a piece of our power: we are given a choice. We get to feel when our eyes are on the outside world and turn them back to ourselves. Is that easy? No, of course not. Is it easier than when you weren't conscious of it? Yes it is.
So, how can we change the pattern?
The next question is: Can we and do we want to let go of our belief(s)? Sometimes it feels wonderful to see a belief and find that you can release it immediately. Gone belief, gone pattern. Sometimes the answer is simply "no." Sometimes our heads think that we are indeed worth nothing, that we are powerless towards others. Sometimes it is stressful to turn inward and see and accept ourselves. When this happens, we are attached to our beliefs. I encounter it a lot with myself and also see it in the readings I do. As if we have to say goodbye to a very old friend because it can no longer be like this. Yet it is so familiar and we identify with it. Saying goodbye means change, unfamiliarity and that is stressful.
It is totally okay not to be ready to let go of a fear or belief yet. Being familiar with it is enough. In fact, it helps tremendously if you are also aware of your attachment to the belief and allow yourself to do so. Let that belief and fear be there, with your full attention. See it for what it is and accept yourself with it. Your consciousness has already shined its light on it. And then everything will flow naturally. A day will come when the belief and the fear have been sufficiently softened and then you will suddenly catch yourself behaving differently. Effortlessly and naturally. Nor is a tree forced to shed its leaves. And not every leaf falls from the tree at the same time.
Do you also want to gain insights into your patterns and beliefs? Do you feel you can trust your intuition more? Do you long to be more in connection with yourself and your core?
A reading gives you great insights into your life right now. It helps you better understand why you do or feel the way you do and gives you clarity and direction. With a reading I intuitively give you back what I encounter in connection with you. I see you in your true essence and empower you. The reading also works energetically as a healing, because sometimes something is literally illuminated by seeing and naming it. Find recognition and clarity in what really matters to you in this moment. Book your reading here.
Are you just as curious and inquisitive as I am and would you like to explore for yourself?
Then you can send an email to info@rosannasgarden.nl and join the waiting list for the Journey to Your True Nature and you will be the first to receive more information without any obligation as soon as it becomes available. It is going to be a series full of tools and techniques to explore, use and trust your intuition so that it can show you the way to who you essentially are. In it you are going to gain clarity about your life mission and what you have to bring here. You will wonder about life and nature. You will learn to connect with nature on a daily basis in an accessible and practical way. Herein is everything I discovered in my quest to start living fully according to my true nature, the essence of my being. This quest continues, so gradually more content will be added.
If your beliefs are really grossly in the way now, then of course there are ways to willfully throw the figurative leaf off the tree. Nowadays there are numerous methods to do this. For that, then read my next blog post.